Yes, You Can Have Good Kids

By Kim Patrick

Good kids aren't born, they are made. But how do I make a good kid, you say? There are a few simple rules to follow in order to get your kids to be good.

The first rule is to have good boundaries. Yes, kids need boundaries. They feel safe and secure when you give them boundaries and they will actually be happier when they know their limits. Of course kids will push the boundaries; that's just part of being a kid. It is a normal part of child development. Expect it.

The second rule to get good kids is to be consistent in whatever you do. If their bed time is 9 o'clock, you need to enforce that. And if they break the rules, there needs to be some consequence to show them what they have done wrong. If you don't give them a consequence you will be depriving them of a learning experience. And kids need to learn how to operate in the adult world. If you don't allow them to learn, how are they supposed to function well in society as an adult later on in life? Let your kids learn by their mistakes. This is vital.

The third rule to have good kids is to spend one on one time with them each week, as often as possible. Here's the thing; when kids don't get attention they desire, they misbehave. So you can prevent much behaviour by ensuring that your child gets adequate one on one time with you.

Just last night I was busy on my computer all evening and my youngest child started to misbehave. I went to her and said "oh, mum hasn't been giving you any attention, and I guess negative attention is better than no attention, hey?" My daughter still was held accountable for her actions, but at least I understood where the bad behaviour was coming from. And if we can understand the reason behind our child's behaviour we have the power to change things.

The fourth rule to have good kids is to be willing to learn to do things differently. The world is changing rapidly and I am not convinced that what worked 30 years ago still works today. Read a book, talk to someone who has well behaved kids and ask them for their secrets. Take a parenting course. Join a mentoring program. Do whatever it takes.

Now here's the key: if you find something that works, keep on doing it. If something doesn't work, find another way. Try something different. And remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. But if you are willing to persevere and follow these few simple strategies I believe you can have good kids.
Kim Patrick is a single mother with four children, living on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. She is a Parenting Coach, author, seminar speaker, and runs an online Mentoring Program for parents. She is also creator of the "My Sleeping Angel" CD series. Her web site is http://www.yourchildcanbehave.com

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Secrets to Parenting Together, Not Apart

By Michael Grose

A couple approached me after a recent parenting presentation asking for my thoughts around kids and mealtimes.

It seems they had different approaches.

One parent was focused on food and was concerned with the quantities kids ate. The other was focused more on behaviour and was more concerned with the quality of social interactions that mealtimes offered.


From my perspective, mealtimes are more than a mere pitstop for food. They offer a great opportunity for family members to talk, while bottoms are anchored to chairs. That's why the TV needs to be turned off during mealtimes.


During our brief chat it seemed that both parents respected the other's viewpoint, which was fantastic. But they clearly had some differences in their approach to parenting, that may not have been evident before the chat.


Differences in parenting approaches are natural reflecting past parenting experiences, gender differences and experience of children.



Differences are healthy, a sign of independent thinking, and can provide a sense of balance to family life.


BUT different approaches can cause discomfort, stress and anxiety to one or both parents, particularly when communication and empathy levels are down.

In some cases, the differences can lead to inconsistent parenting where there is no agreement on rules and standards of behaviour and inconsistent follow-through when kids behave poorly.

Parents who work together need to know when to compromise, when to keep out of the way and when to present a united front. Knowing when to take each approach takes practice and depends on what the issues are, your parenting styles and your individual values.

The 3 levels of parenting together

Getting on the same page as your partner takes work. It can be done whether you and your partner live together or not.

There are three levels of partnering working together:

Level 1 - Managerial: This is the day-to-day parenting level that focuses on aspects such as standards of behaviour, kids' health, education and supervision. Usually one parent (mothers mostly) is the primary parent calling the shots, while the other takes a back seat as the secondary parent (dads mostly). The secondary parent usually follows the lead of the primary parent. Level 1 focuses on WHAT needs to be done to raise kids.

Level 2 - Child-rearing: This is a tricky area as it covers approaches to kids' behaviour, how to build confidence in kids, the processes parents put in place for communication and how kids treat others. My conversation with the young couple I mentioned above was around this level. Level 2 fundamentally concerns itself with HOW kids are raised.

Level 3 - Values and attitudes: This is the BIG picture level. It looks at fundamental things you value such as developing independence, responsibility, tolerance, persistence and respect in kids. These are just a few -there are plenty of values and attitudes to develop. It really helps when partners are on the same wavelength when it comes to the things you value. This level concerns itself with WHY you do the things you do as parents. When you know the WHY then the HOW of parenting becomes easier.


From my experience you can get away with parental differences when kids are young, however it does become a big problem as kids move into adolescence. Some teenagers can become adept at driving a wedge between parents who are on different wavelengths. They generally go to the parent who will give them the answer they require when it comes to the tricky areas such as going out, access to alcohol and relationship issues.



It pays to start the conversation about parenting early on kids' lives. That's why I love it when parents come to a parenting seminar together. You both hear the same message, and hopefully, this generates healthy conversations about your kids and parenting. These conversations, generally start off around Level 2 issues (how you do things) but involve Level 3 issues (why you do the things you do).

Conversations at the WHY level are more fundamental, leading to greater understanding of where the other person comes from and the likelihood of presenting a united front to kids. And getting on the same page as your partner is always in the best interests of your kids.

The funny thing is, most parents are so busy talking about Level 1 issues (what you are doing) that they rarely talk meaningfully about Level 3 issues (why you are doing things), which is the absolute guts of what you do unless you purposefully sit down and do so. Parenting education provide the opportunity for getting conversations going that get you and your partner on the same page as parents.
Michael Grose is Australia's NO. 1 parenting expert. He is the director of ParentingIdeas, the author of seven books for parents and a popular presenter who speaks to audiences in Australia, Singapore and the USA. Get your FREE Chores and Responsibilities for Kids Guide when you visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au. Get a hold of Michael's sensational new book Why First Borns Rule the World and Last Borns Want to Change It at http://www.michaelgrose.com. You'll be astounded when you learn about your birth order personality and how the position in your family impacts on your life!

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Raising Godly Children

By Jean Wensink

Having children is a mind-boggling responsibility. Each child has unique challenges and blessings. Each situation has potential for travesty or truth. Each parent has opportunity to nettle or nurture. However, we aren't expected to parent alone. God will guide us and lead us as we care for his lambs.

So, what are some tips that we can use so that we can raise up our children in a godly manner. First of all, we need to uplift our children in prayer. Prayer is our channel of communication to God. Without communication,we can't follow His direction. Second, we can model godly behavior. Children model what they see. If you have ever heard your child play house, you'll think that you were the one playing by the words that are said. Children are great mimickers. Third, we need to live up to the baptismal vows for our children. We promised to raise them up to know the Lord. We need to do that to the best of our ability. We need to be there to get them to Sunday School, church, bible class and whatever else is available to teach and nurture our kids.

Our children are not our own, but as long as we are here on this earth, we have a responsibility to raise children to know and love the Lord. In Mark, it is stated that Jesus told his disciples to "Let the children come unto me." Jesus valued children and knew their potential to further the kingdom. We, as parents, are key players in the future of God's kingdom, beginning with raising godly kids.
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Last Will and Testament - What Legacy Are You Leaving?

By Arleita Harmon

"I, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath..." When my mother passed on to her reward in Heaven, those somber sounding words soon took on new meaning to me. I was one of Mama's heirs. My name, along with others, was there on her legal document with the directions of what she wished to transpire upon her demise. Mama was no longer with us - but those few neatly typed words in her Last Will and Testament spoke for her, seriously and finally: "I do hereby bequeath..." She was never wealthy, but all she had she passed on with those words. I would gladly have given up all my inheritance to have Mama alive again. But that was not to be.

Days passed, maybe weeks. It was all sort of a blur. But it had to be done. So I finally began to do what had become my responsibility, that of sorting through Mama's personal things so that certain matters could be completed. She had always been a godly wife and mother who had sacrificed her life for the sake of her family. There was not much, just a few small trinkets and keepsakes and the box of notes and various writings that she had written over the years. It was there in that box that I found mirrored who Mama was, what was in her heart. I was not an heir simply of money and things, Mama had bequeathed something of far greater value; I had received a rich legacy.

Webster's dictionary says a "legacy" or "heritage" is something passed on to heirs; but usually applies to something other than actual property or material things. My mother had passed on to me her belief in God and her love for His commands and ways. She had endeavored all her life to install them in me as her child. But it was only as I read her "thoughts" through her poems and notes after her death that I gained a glimpse of the real value of what I had received. And it was up to me; what would be the end results of it all?

Thoughts began to weigh heavily on my mind. Thoughts of what heritage would I pass on to those I love? Would it be money? Land? Houses? Or, would the heritage I leave to my children have eternal value? And - would they receive it gladly, or despise it?

We read in the Bible of Esau. He despised his birthright (his heritage), so he sold it . We might say, he threw it away considering what he got in place of it. Yet what is often overlooked in Esau's story is that he did not just sell, or throw away his birthright. In reality, he stole his son's birthright, and his grandson's birthright, and so on. They never even had a choice in the matter.

Could anyone ever think that Esau's son - or later his grandson, and indeed his whole posterity, would have chosen for him to sell his birthright given him by Isaac? It was a heritage that could have changed the entire direction and future of their lives if only they had had the chance to receive it. Esau made a very foolish choice. But what about me: Would I be an "Esau?" Would I sell my birthright?

The most important legacy or heritage a person could ever receive from a grandparent or parent is a solid belief in God's Word and His principles - with the understanding of the need to abide by His standards. Yet, anyone who has been blessed with having such a heritage passed on has a choice. We can gratefully receive it, and by God's grace, endeavor to keep our heritage untarnished - and pass it on to our children; Who, in time, will do the same and pass it on to their children, and so on. Or, we can be like Esau.

When a parent who has been blessed to have a godly heritage makes compromising choices here and there -- they are not passing on their heritage to their children. Instead, they are stealing their child's inheritance, and their child's child's inheritance. Because those children, if given a choice, may desire the heritage of their grandparents and great-grandparents, if only they had been given the chance.

How many parents are there today, who, like Esau, once had a legacy from their parents? They had been raised in godly homes and taught God's ways. But along the way, they thought, "what's wrong with a little of this or that? I'm not going to live by the rules of those ol' fogies." Until finally, like Esau, they despise their birthright and sell it for a more contemporary Christianity -- an easier one with no "cross," thus no commitments - except to the world's ways, ideas, and entertainment.

We read the warning of God in Jeremiah 6:16, "Thus saith the Lord, Stand ye in the way: and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for you souls. But they said, We will not walk therein."

Do I dare trade the rich legacy that generations before have passed on to me - for a bowl of watery soup - today's cheap, easy, user-friendly contemporary Christianity? The life of my children, their children, their children's children - and their futures may depend on my choice. I do not dare make such a foolish exchange. I will "ask for the old paths" and "walk there in" (Jeremiah 6:16). Then when the time comes that my Last Will and Testament is read, I can trust God that my heirs, knowing with certainty and cherishing the legacy I have left them, will say, "The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance...yea, I have a goodly heritage" (Psalm 16:5,6). ©copyright 2008 Arleita Harmon, menofagape.com
Arleita, a freelance writer has written for varied markets over the past 20+ years. She is managing editor of http://www.womenofagape.com/ a website designed to encourage women of all ages - in every sphere of life - to be the vessel of honor that God has designed them to be. She is also co-editor of http://www.menofagape.com/ a website to encourage men to stand for right - making a difference, regardless of the cost.

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A Call For Fathers

By Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.

Dads, please let me encourage you to change some things in your life. A recent University study found that the average father in America spends less than sixty seconds per day in conversations with his children! 

The actual number was 47 seconds per day. 

How in the world does that happen? Certainly we fathers love our children and want the best for them. So what does this study tell us about the focus of our investment in the lives of our children? Are we too focused on our work? Are we too focused on our paychecks? 

What's with us men? Have we as fathers come to think that our kids really just need our money? I sure hope not.

Our children need us to look them in the eyes and talk with them. We need to actually be involved in the lives of our children and teens. We need to actively raise them, teach them, and shape their character and morals and values. We need to do these things on purpose, with a plan, with a focus. Parenting is a "hands on" activity. 

So, spend time with your kids. Be available for your kids. Make your kids a major priority in your life. Protect your family. Be involved in your family.

Look at your personal definition of "success." My definition has become, "The progressive realization of moral, virtuous, or Godly goals." 

Obviously this definition has little to do with how much money I earn, or how much status I attain in my profession. It has little to do with my children becoming sports stars or validictorians (although they are both). Success has to do with character, relationships, and spiritual growth. 

So fathers, please take the time to teach your children. Be role models for your teens. And spend more than 47 seconds each day in conversation with your children.

Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986. He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library's family of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net, helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of NewIdeas.net Incorporated.

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Kids Learn About Money by Modelling You

By Nicole Clemow

Whatever you demonstrate to your children on a daily basis about how you manage and spend your money is giving them the opportunity either to choose to do what you do, or not. The period of development from birth to seven years old is referred to as the imprint period. It is the period of their life that children copy what people do in the world around them without conscious awareness. The people they spend most of their time with are who they will most likely choose to copy or model.

Who did you spend most of your imprint period (up to seven years old) with? With whom did your spouse spend most of their imprint period?

Realizing this modeling happened for you as a child, really important questions to ask and thoroughly consider include:

- What did you model from your parents (or significant adults in your life) about money?

-Which decisions did you make to purposefully NOT model things from them?

- Are you still modeling from them?

- How is that working for you?

- Did you choose new models along the way?

- Did your new models for financial management improve your financial situation?

- Which of your financial management habits and strategies are helping you move toward financial freedom and which are holding you back?

Whatever models you have chosen to use in the past, the great news is that it is up to you who you chose to model from this point forward. Choose the behaviors around money you want your children to see and do in their future. Just make sure you check in and see what results the people you choose as models are achieving for themselves before you consciously make the effort to start learning and doing what they do!

Here's a great example, a friend of mine has a clothing retail business situated in her local shopping center which she has run for over 5 years. She has a 3 year old daughter Emily who occasionally goes to work with her. One of Emily's favorite things to do is to play shop. She greets the customer, thanks them for their purchase and asks the customer how they'd like to pay; "Will that be cash or credit?". When Emily plays the customer, she goes to the wall and punches in her PIN number to get 'money out of the wall'. Where do you think she learned this behavior?
Nicole Clemow is the author and can provide additional information on teaching your kids the value of money and ways for them to earn it. Visit http://www.waysforkidstoearnmoney.org and get your free chapter from her "Teach Your Kids the Value of Money" book.

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Parenting Tips - 3 Opportunities to Be a Better Parent

By Dan Morton

Very often, the things we say to our children can have a profound effect on their attitudes, moods and behaviors - parenting tips can help good parents become great parents!

I've come up with 3 great parenting tips that can add value to even the best among us. No parent is perfect, and sometimes, in the heat of an angry or frustrated moment, we say something to our children that we really don't mean, and shouldn't have said in the first place. Parents are human, and therefore prone to making mistakes. But the thoughtful parent will reflect on the day, and realize that mistakes were made - never to be repeated.

Here are the 3 parenting tips.

Wait Until Your Father Gets Home

One of the most common mistakes a parent will make is to say to a naughty child "Wait until your mother or father gets home." The initial idea is to defer punishment because the parent doesn't want to follow through at the moment, but this situation can have many bad consequences.

In order for punishment to be effective, it must occur when the bad behavior happens. The punishment loses effectiveness when delayed - the child may forget why he/she is being punished. Also, this mistake sets up one of the parents as the "bad guy." If repeated, the child may develop a fear for father if he is the only parent that doles out punishment.

Too Busy

Have you ever missed an event or activity that your child was participating in because you were "too busy?" If repeated often enough, your child may begin to think that he/she is not important in your life, and may feel the need to develop other ways to feel important - for the wrong reasons.

The harsh reality here is this: If you wanted that child so much in the first place (and love him or her), why would you begin to place a lesser value in time spent with your child simply because something else "more important" got in the way? I can tell you from experience that jobs will come and go, but you'll only have a very short time with your child until he or she is grown and doesn't need you as much as now. Cherish these "inconvenient" times as they're here only for a short while.

Comparison With A Brother/Sister/Cousin

Even though you may not realize it, you, as a parent, may be comparing your child with a sibling, cousin or a friend's child. The destructive part of this behavior towards the child can occur without even mentioning it to your child - often, your child can pick up on your thoughts through subtle hints and actions you may not even be aware of.

While there are far too many potential situations that I could use as an example of this type of behavior, the most important thing to remember is this: Your child is an individual, unlike any other on this planet. While he or she may share certain behaviors or characteristics (good or bad) with other children, it may be truly destructive for your child to even subconsciously wish that your child could "be more like that smart or well-behaved Billy."

The truth is these thoughts will be conveyed to your child at some point in time - and you may not even know it. This kind of comparison can have a devastating affect on the child's self esteem and contribute to more problems later in life.

These parenting tips are just a few of many thousands that parents can take advantage of to be a better parent. I should know - I've lived through two children of my own (and made the mistakes, too) so I am delighted that I now have the ability to pass on my experiences to others! 
Don't waste your valuable time scouring the internet looking for parenting advice! Click HERE ParentingSelfHelp.com for helpful parenting tips from an actual parent - not some researcher who has never had children!

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5 Christian Parenting Tips To Help You Create A Loving And Peaceful Family Environment

By Carolyn Cutforth

Parenting is something that requires incredible skill and knowledge yet we are totally unprepared for it. If you've been finding parenting a little stressful at times, you are one of many all around the world! However, God has given us this wonderful responsibility and His Word makes it plain that He considers children a high priority.

Luke 18:16 'But Jesus called them (the parents) to Him, saying, Allow the little children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for to such (as these) belongs the kingdom of God.' The Amplified Bible

So, we need to ensure that we are doing the best we can to raise our children in a loving environment which also trains them for successful living as a Christian. Parenting tips can be a helping hand in assisting you in successful parenting.

Christian Parenting Tip 1

You are the parent and your authority must always be clear.

The Bible makes it clear that children are to obey and honor their parents. Honor means 'high respect' (Oxford Dictionary). All children respect authority if it is shown in a way that also respects them. Learn to be authoritative in a way that makes sense to your child and without aggression. What does this look like?

- Firstly, mean what you say. It is very confusing for a child if you say one thing and do another. Before you speak, make sure you mean and are able to carry through with what you say. For example, if you say "Come inside now or there will be no TV' and the child doesn't come inside, don't switch on the TV to entice them in, and don't turn it on just because they are whining or having a tantrum. Let your 'yes be yes' and your 'no be no'.

- Listen to what you say; do you sound authoritative? Raising your voice doesn't mean you sound authoritative - it often means you've lost it! If you want to sound authoritative, lower your tone of voice, speak a little slower and emphasise important words. A low, emphasised voice carries much more authority than one which is raised and loud.

Christian Parenting Tip 2

Let them know your reason and the consequences

- make sure you know why you are requesting a certain behaviour (eg the house needs to be tidy for when you come home)

- explain once to the child (eg "When your toys are picked up we will go to the park")

- remind them of the consequence for disobedience (eg "If the toys aren't picked up by the time I count 10 we won't go to the park but will stay home")

- give them one more chance to obey and follow up with consequence for disobedience immediately if necessary.

- if they have obeyed, reinforce this behaviour with a statement (eg "Well done! You picked up the toys and now we will go to the park")

Don't fall into the trap of 'because I told you so'. Don't reason and argue - they will win because if you find yourself losing your calm tone of voice, or using unnecessary physical force, you've lost your authority and their respect. Try not to get emotionally involved in the situation - keep your voice loving but firm, be decisive in your actions of consequence, and be consistent.

Christian Parenting Tip 3

Keep the child accountable for their actions.

Children are quick to blame others. Keep the child accountable for their choices and actions. Use the words "You choose to __________ therefore you choose the consequence of ________". This teaches the child responsibility. It teaches them that there is a consequence to every choice they make. This is a central part of learning called self-discipline.

Christian Parenting Tip 4

Relationship with your child will be more powerful than any discipline.

The Bible says that God disciplines those He loves.

Revelation 3:19 'Those whom I dearly and tenderly love, I discipline and instruct them'

Children respond to disciplinary efforts more effectively if they are given out of a loving relationship. If you and your child have developed a mutually respectful and loving relationship, training will be much easier.

Christian Parenting Tip 5

God gave each of us free will - obedience doesn't come by force

You train a child to be obedient, usually by consequences to their choices and actions. You can't force a child to be obedient and keep their respect for you as a parent. Heavy-handedness may seemingly produce desired behaviour but underneath could be a seething bubble of frustration. Remember, God instructs parents, especially fathers, not to frustrate their children.

Colossians 3:21 'Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children (do not be hard on them or harass them) lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. (Do not break their spirit)' The Amplified Bible

God's Word talks about disciplining with the rod. This kind of discipline must also be done in a controlled and loving way, never through anger. If you are a firm believer in using 'the rod', ensure that your actions are done within a framework of procedures. Hitting out at a child is not Godly discipline; neither is grabbing hold of the wooden spoon and smacking a child with it. God doesn't discipline us with fear. He should be our role-model.

SUMMARY

Part of successful Christian parenting is raising your child to love God. As parents, you are the child's role model of Father God. Loving authority, like God's authority with us, teaches your child responsibility and self-discipline.
Carolyn Cutforth is a teacher with over twenty years experience, and a mother of three grown up girls, and three grand-daughters. Visit Carolyns blog HERE

Carolyns Blog

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This Parenting Advice is Worth Sharing

By Mark Arens

I recently heard this story from an employee and just knew I needed to share it with you.

Recently at lunch with a group of coworkers, we focused our attention on one of our coworkers who was about to deliver her first baby. Light hearted conversation followed with some suggestions from some of us more seasoned parents. When asked what my advice might be as a parent of two young adults and a teenager, I found the question too daunting to come up with an answer.

I looked at the expectant mothers innocent face full of wonder and anticipation for this miraculous new season of life while 20+ years of parenting choices flashed in my mind nursing vs. baby formula, am I leaving my child vulnerable to disease if I don't immunize or am I subjecting them to risk by immunizing, how can I possibly balance all the demands on my time, is daycare a good thing or not, are we compromising too much by what our kids are exposed to riding the bus and going to public school, I know the movie is rated PG13 but todays PG13 is like yesterdays R rated movie, how can I give permission for my daughter's Brownie leader to drive her troop to Brownie outings when she has a known drinking problem, I know you want to sleep over at your friend's house but we don't feel that her dad is safe the choices got progressively harder as our children got older. I often felt the choices and scenarios were impossible.

Okay, so experienced parent that I am, what's my advice? What has been my fail-safe response? Believe it or not, I do have one that has NEVER failed me. Not even once.

My advice to parents is to grasp the incredible power available to them as they pray for their children. No one can speak into a child's life the way a parent can. God has anointed parents and given them authority over all of the challenges their children are facing.

This didn't make my parenting challenges go away but I'll tell you what it did do. First and foremost prayer for my children changed me. My awareness of how inadequate I was to make decisions on behalf of this individual who I loved more than my own life, drew me closer to God than any experience could have. I learned to trust Him and rely on Him. I began to experience His peace over my over-stimulated and conflicted mind. I learned his faithful nature as I watched him bring us through challenge after challenge. I personally and intimately experienced His provision, His protection, His promises and a stronger faith.

As parents, you and I are in the unique position to pray over every aspect of our children's lives.

Here's what has worked for me. As I move through the day, I pray over all the little caretaking tasks of parenting. I thank God for His provision as I wash my kid's clothes and ask Him to cover them with protection and guidance as they pull their hooded sweatshirts on. I thank God for the ability to care for my family and ask Him to bless their health as I make their meals. I pray for His peace over their beds as I put things away in their rooms. I pray for God's wisdom and discernment over their backpacks as I step over them walking in the door. I pray for self control and purity as I dust the Television and pick up their iPods. I pray for the blessing of godly relationships over their cell phones.

Powerful words of prayer will make parenting a joyful adventure full of inspiration!

That's what I'm going to say the next time I'm asked for seasoned parenting advice.
Mark Arens, motivational speaker and author of seven best selling children's books that are designed to help parents express love to their children while developing a foundation of self worth that leads to self respect. More-->>http://www.thepowerfulword.com/index.html

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Communicating With Children

by Suzie McDermott

Communicating with children can often be a daunting task. Often they seem to be on another planet and in some respects they are. Their cognitive (mental) abilities are not yet fully developed. Depending on their age they will be incapable of seeing another's point of view, seeing all sides to a problem or will not be able to visualize abstract concepts. When talking to children it is important to remember that they are not mini adults.

Communicating with Children in 5 Simple Steps

1) Mutual respect is a must for any good communicating with children strategy. 

By respecting our children's needs and feelings we will teach them, by example, how to respect us.

We can show respect to our children simply by accepting what they are telling us as being true for them and important to them. It is important for our children's self confidence that we acknowledge their feelings and beliefs as being real and valid. Even when their perception of reality is extorted we still need to accept that this is how they are seeing or feeling about the event.

By appreciating and trying to understand things from their point of view you will get a better understanding of why they have behaved in certain ways. And it is from this point of view that we can find solutions to problems that create a win - win situation for us all.

For example, often angry outbursts are the result of built up hurt or frustrated feelings. By taking the extra time to learn how our children are feeling and seeing the particular event can help us to resolve any underlying problems. This in turn can help us all to deal more productively with similar issues when and if they arise in the future.

2) Make eye contact when you talk. 

Physically get down to their level. Eye contract is very important for children (the younger the more so). If we stand and talk over our children, our words literally go straight over their heads. They are often not even aware that we are talking to them; instead our words are often just background noise. So get down to their level and make eye contract with them so they know you are talking to them.

This way you will not only know they are listening to you, you will also connect with your children. What's more by getting down to their level you will also be showing them respect by understanding and appreciating their smaller stature in this world.

3) Be precise in what you say. 

Avoid implying things or talking in the third person. Children have many limitations on the way they can processes what you say to them. For example, young children simply do not understand things they cannot feel, see, hear or touch. Older children are still developing the ability to think in more abstract ways. All children are still very ego-centric in their thinking, that is, they see the world through their experiences and find it hard to take the third person point of view.

Because of these limitations in their thinking when we are communicating with children we need to do it in a very basic way. In other words keep it short, sweet and to the point. Use examples that they can relate to. Children from about 5-7 years of age will also tend not to do things that they do not see or understand the point of. It is at this age that we need to start to give short and concise explanations for the things we want them to do.

4) When Communicating With Children, Give Descriptive Feedback. 

Feedback is an essential element in learning and improving on what we do. Feedback tells us if we are on the right track or not. The best way we can give feedback to our children is by making it descriptive. Describe what you see in a child's picture, or describe what you like about it. For older children, reiterate what you think they are saying to make sure you are both on the same wave length.

This is also the way to give constructive feedback - describe how it could be done better next time or just offer another way of tackling the problem. Avoid going over the top with your praise or criticism of what your child has done. Children gain self confidence in achieving things for themselves and through consistent appropriate feedback.

5) Putting the negative part first is the key when we are giving short instruction like feedback. 

Research has shown that we all (whether children or adults) focus on the negative component of what is said to us and on what was said last. So if we put the negative first we will soften its impact by the more positive last statement. Try it for yourself, read the two feedback statement below about a child's homework

"Your writing is very neat and looks great, next time remember to try and put a space between the full stop and the start of the next sentence." 

Now turn it around

"Next time remember to try and put a space between the full stop and the start of the next sentence, the rest of your writing is very neat and looks great." 

In the first statement, it is easier to forget the positive comment on the neat writing, and focus on the negative component. The second statement although has the same words will leave the child feeling more confident and please with the good job he has done yet mindful of the gap between the full stop and the next sentence.

About the Author:
Suzie McDermott is the founder and editor of http://www.develop-good-parenting-skills.com/CommunicatingWithChildren1 A free website devoted to providing valuable information for all parents to better understand how our children learn and develop physically, mentally and spiritually.

Parenting Kids God's Way

By Russell Smith

Parenting in today's culture is one of the most difficult challenges families face. Because there are so many views concerning raising children and discipline, parents often find themselves at a crossroads when deciding how to handle these issues. The question we find ourselves asking is, "What is the best way to parent my children?"

As I have researched, studied, and read materials and books concerning parenting, I always return to the one place I know that offers sound wisdom and proven principles concerning parenting - God's Word. God's Word is very clear on issues concerning parenting, so I would like to focus on one such passage to help us better understand how to "Parent Kids God's Way."

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a very important passage in Jewish culture and tradition. This passage is often referred to as the "Shema" and is one of the centerpieces of Jewish faith and prayer. It also gives strong instruction concerning parenting and family life. When I look at this passage, I see four key principles for parents and their relationship with their children:

1) LOVE YOUR CHILDREN THE WAY WE SHOULD LOVE GOD. Verse 5 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your HEART and with all your SOUL and with all your STRENGTH." When we love our children with all of our HEART, we need to love them emotionally. Children deal with all kinds of positive and negative feelings, so emotions are an important part of their lives. We must help them work through their emotions while letting them see ours at the same time. When we love our children with all of our SOUL, we need to love them spiritually. As parents, one of our primary responsibilities is the spiritual formation of our children. When we teach them concerning the things of God and live our lives as an example for them, they will learn true devotion. When we love our children with all of our STRENGTH, we need to love them physically. Do you hug your children every day? Do you embrace them? Do you hold their hand when you're walking somewhere? One thing our children should never lack is our deep affection.

2) LEAD WITH YOUR HEART. Verse 6 says, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts." This is a direct address to the people, many of whom were parents. We can't possibly hope to instill right beliefs, values, and morals into the hearts of our children if they are not in our hearts. Life can only produce life, so when we value the life, power, and Spirit of God in our own hearts and lives; it will spill over into the hearts and lives of our children.

3) USE TEACHABLE MOMENTS. Verses 6-7 strongly encourage us to do this. These verses talk about the various times and opportunities for spiritual instruction. If we were to write these verses in modern-day terms, perhaps it would read like this, "Talk about them when you're riding in the car, outside playing, getting ready for school, walking in the grocery store, and so on." In other words, there's an opportunity in every situation you face for a teachable moment. Do you sit around the table together and have family meals? Do you take advantage of time when your children ask you to do something with them? Misty and I have learned with our own children that there are many daily opportunities to teach our children about life in general and life in Christ. Don't let teachable moments become missed opportunities.

4) BE CONSISTENT. Verses 8-9 teach us something about consistency. These symbols that the Bible refers to are called phylacteries. Phylacteries were small boxes with tiny rolls of paper containing Old Testament Scriptures. They would be attached to pieces of leather or fabric and worn around the head and wrists as well as the doorframes and gates to constantly remind the value of God's law. This would be done on a regular, consistent basis.

When it comes to parenting decisions, discipline, and discipleship we must be certain we are being consistent. When we are consistent in our role as parents, our children will be consistent in their response.

Parenting is not always easy, but it can always be enjoyed when we purpose and practice parenting kids God's way.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Russell_Smith

Godly Parenting-Striking a balance between Discipline and Abuse

By Dr Oladapo

I will approach this discourse by adopting a Q and A template to attempt at deconstructing an age long operating system on parenting that I personally consider very defective. I appeal to you to approach digesting this piece from a very disabused and free minded point of view to afford you the opportunity to reference your response from an objective frame of reasoning. 

Question 1

• Does discipline have a place in Godly parenting and management of the heritages of God?

Answer

• The answer is a capital YES. The Words Discipline and Disciple incidentally came from the Latin root word 'Disciplinare' which means to teach or instruct. There are 3 different levels of discipline. The Bible fully supports the principle of “disciplinare”. It is instructive to note the close linkage between the word discipline and disciples. This is very critical to further exploratory analysis of the first question and the understanding of how Jesus shepherded 12 disciples in the days of his ministry. God disciplines his children and punishes the wicked. For discipline to comply to God’s operating system it must be in love.

The first level of discipline is INSTRUCTION- This has two sub components;

•“What to do and not to do” and 

• “Why it should be done or not to be done”. 

Often times in life we were given a laundry list as it were ( by our parents/guardians/life instructors or our different moral institutions) of what to do and not to do, but rarely “why we can do them or cannot do them”. This breeds a body of knowledge founded on fear of repercussion devoid of motivational understanding that should drive compliance when the custodians of the instructions are absent. This is very common with the instructions many of us received earlier on in life from our parents who told us not to sit on the pounded yam mortar but were never told the reason for this.

Rather they attached an element of superstitious repercussion to the instruction as a way of generating required compliance that further heightened the fear factor around the instruction/message rather than deepen the internalization of its essence. 

The second Level of discipline is Training 
Training is the art of believing that our audience is able to achieve a certain level of proficiency in an area of desired competence through deliberate exposure to training aids that will reinforce the desired knowledge, encourage the use of the skills and development of the right attitude. All of these are also very relevant in the training of children and their use and practice have been well documented. Training must always aim to reinforce positive behaviours 

The Third Level is Correction.
• This focuses on discouraging undesired behaviours through a system that removes the reinforcements for the undesired behaviours and discourages the practice of the undesired behaviours in children.

 Question 2- 
• Does God sanction physical use of the “Rod” in correcting Children?

Answer

• There are many biblical references where the use of the rod was advocated in disciplining a child in the OT especially the book of proverbs. The question that remained unanswered however is whether it is right to beat children in enforcing discipline. 

• I strongly believe that beating or the use of a cane, horse whip and the likes are for animals (e .g horses) which cannot respond to reason. This does not by any means equate to effective discipline in any way but rather represents the exploitation and abuse of children who are helplessly defenseless. This becomes evident as they grow up physically and we drastically refrain from the use of force in reprimanding them when they err (not out of respect for their ability to reason but more out of the fact that our undue physical advantage over them has evened out over time and there is a possibility of reversals of position) but resort to appealing to their reasoning capacity, an approach that they are sometimes not used to, haven been accustomed to the language of the whip.

The price such parents pay in my view for not properly bringing up their children 'in the way they should go' while they are tender and their faculties are like sponges by devoting quality time to their instruction, training and engagement in the values they subscribe to and also being available to model the behaviours that support their tutorials is that they lose them to the tempestuous force of the fairwind of life and its vagaries, which only can be tamed albeit unsuccessfully by the scourge of a whip.

To further buttress these points lets answer the following 13 posers;

1. Are children the only ones who have foolishness bound in their hearts? Could it be possible that adults also have a greater dimension of foolishness within them?

2. Can children reason?

3. Which of these two is more trainable? Children or Adults?

4. How much training, instruction and coaching did you receive at work to be able to carry out a particular function in the past? Why were you not beaten physically when you failed to achieve a milestone?

5. Why are we not physically beating adults who have demonstrated a high proficiency level in foolishness e.g a man or woman caught in adultery or an adult who accidentally spilled a cup of water on the rug or an adult who having been drunk wets his bed or a man who through over speeding had a bad accident?

6. How many of us had any formal instruction on parenting beyond our own immediate developmental experience with our parents?

7. Can we achieve discipline without physically resorting to beating children?

8. If your Children are as big as you are (probably at 15 years of age) will you be able to still beat them?

9. How do you determine what the measure/dose of beating is scripturally acceptable for children are and what constitutes abuse?

10. Was it the physical beating you got or the correction through instruction you received that made you to change in life?

11. Did Jesus physically beat his disciples to train them and could some of them have exhibited childish tendencies?

12. Where is the place of the word of God in counseling, training, and cleansing?

13. What qualifies any human to beat another human being or to be beaten for the purpose of correction?